tuesday thoughts

  • joe brought home a cookies and cream bunny (for when passover ends tonight) and dark chocolate eggs. damn him. now the diet’s gone out the window. at least i’ve been maintaining my weight and not gaining.
  • two men in our kiwanis club offered last night to help us move next friday. that’s awesome. it’s amazing how great people can be.
  • i am ordering copies of our honeymoon pics (for us) and our wedding pics (for my parents) during kodak’s 10-cent sale. i want to order copies of the wedding pics for my in-laws, but since i’m spending close to $30 today, i think that will wait.
  • we took a lot of freakin pictures in boston. geez.
  • it’s a good thing kodak has the option to send the pictures to a store for a $1.69 fee because the $16 shipping fee isn’t worth the discount.
  • speaking of honeymoon pictures, when i put them on my blog, i only cropped them and renamed the cropped pics, so i had to match up the originals to the crops and re-edit. that was a pain, especially when i got to the whale pictures. those all look the same.
  • i can’t believe it’s only 10 more days until we close on our house and move. i’m so excited, and i’m also overwhelmed. it’s expensive to move!
  • even though they’re expensive, the movers we hired are going to be worth it. it took *forever* to move me out of my townhouse in dalton. i just don’t want to have to mess with the heavy stuff this time.
  • joe has done so much packing in his almost two weeks off. we have a few books and knick knacks left. and the kitchen. but we’re waiting on that until my brother takes the futon off our hands this weekend. then we’ll have more room to put the boxes.

that’s the way life goes

i had my hair chopped off today. seriously, i think about half my hair was on the floor when the hair dresser finished. it was expensive too. and am i happy with it? i was at first, but now, not so much. honestly, i think it makes me look like a redneck. blah. it wouldn’t be so bad if it flipped out on the bottom on both sides, but no, only on one. i’ll post pictures tomorrow and you all can tell me what you think. joe says he likes it, but he has to say that. he has to live with me. 🙂

i sent my friend an email over myspace about the dress incident. she logged in yesterday and i never received a response, so i’m assuming she’s willing to throw away a 7+ year friendship over ordering dresses online. it seems silly to me, but if that’s the way she wants to be, then fine. i stand by my question as to whether there was anyway to get the dresses somewhere where they could be tried on. if i can’t find a dress to look good on me in a store where i can physically put it on, i’m not putting any faith in a web order. joe says she’s mad because she knows i’m right. maybe. maybe not. i thought we had a great friendship, but maybe i was wrong if it takes something this minor to ruin it.

on a happier note, i got a nifty rolling storage system for my ever increasing scrapbook tools and gadgets. yay. i will post a picture of it later too. i just wish i had somewhere else to put it besides my living room!

random ramblings

joe is sick today. i think he’s got some semblance of the flu. the poor guy is congested and achy and just feeling yucky. 🙁 at least he got some good naps in with the cats!

we got the new american idol-themed choc-n-roll caramel ice cream. it is really good. i am addicted to it. thank goodness it’s the light kind!

hobby lobby is having one of their fabulous sales. this time, the scrapbook albums are on sale, including the one i want for our wedding scrapbook. yay! i think you all know where i will be tomorrow!

speaking of our wedding scrapbook, i only have nine pages left to finish. yay again! i’ve really enjoyed making it, but now i’m ready to see all together in its finished form! and, i can’t wait to show it to people!


the car stopped at the lowered bar at the train tracks is the third i’ve seen waiting in the last half hour. the only problem is, the train isn’t moving. at least once a day, a train passing through cartersville stops on the tracks and blocks the intersections. i’m always amused by the people who just sit there while others drive by them, turning to take an alternate route. maybe they think it will move in just a few minutes. just a few minutes more. just a few more minutes…

rambling thoughts

joe and i just got through with a long, and at times heated, discussion of our workout goals and frustrations, and now i’m lost in my thoughts. my mind keeps wandering back to the past, no matter how much i try to stop it. but it makes sense. after all, that’s where it all began and what’s given me the mindset i have today.

i’ve always been heavy. couple that with a very uncool wardrobe and you’ve got a winning combination. i wanted to be thin. i wished i could wear the designer clothes that the popular kids wore. but i wasn’t, and i couldn’t, and the ball started rolling.

eighth grade was probably the year that scarred me the worst. i had my group of friends, classmates who didn’t care how i looked or what i wore. they liked me for me. but the majority didn’t. i went from being referred to as “she” to “it.” “hey, it’s it!” classmates would say when the saw me. “what do you want, it?” i always liked school, but that year i didn’t want to go. i didn’t have the motivation. i didn’t have the courage.

when my parents told me we were moving to tennessee after my eighth grade graduation i was upset at first. i had a few close friends i didn’t want to leave. but as i thought about it more, i figured i could make a fresh start. i could go to a high school where i wasn’t known as an “it.” maybe i could build back a little more of my self-esteem.

high school started off fine, but i soon found that things were the same there as they had been in maryland. i guess kids are the same everywhere. if you’re not a size six with a wardrobe of clothes from the gap and banana republic, you just aren’t good enough. at least that’s how i felt. that’s how i was treated. i was still heavy and growing more and more self conscious every day. i was sick of being made fun of. i was sick of being mocked and ridiculed. i was sick of hanging out with my family on saturday nights because i wasn’t “cool” enough or “hot” enough to get a date. hell, the only banquets i went to were the ones where the girls had to ask the guys. my self-esteem dropped lower.

enter college. i think, surely things will change now. college students aren’t as superficial as high school and junior high students are. i was wrong again. at least i think i was, and i probably always will. by that point i was so shy i barely got up the courage to knock on the door of the newspaper office my freshman year to get on the staff. i wouldn’t talk to people i didn’t know very well. i sat in the back of all my classes hoping no one would notice me. if they didn’t then they wouldn’t make fun of me. they wouldn’t ostrasize me.

i gained more weight in college. i only had one boyfriend for the first four years (i finished in six because i started working full time my junior year). and really, i’d lost any motivation. my self-esteem was shot. i knew i wasn’t good enough and i probably never would be.

but then i had a breakthrough. after my first year working as a journalist my mom forced me to join a weight loss program. i was angry at first, but looking back i’m so glad she did. it took me a year, but i went from a size 12 to a size 4/6, depending on where i shopped. i quickly learned to shop at bass more because i could always wear a 4 and a small. it did wonders for my self-esteem. i finally felt like i looked good, like i was worth something.

my mind’s run the gamut tonight as i’ve been thinking about what i need to do to at least get back to a size 6/8. i’ve gotten back up to a 10, and i know i need to do something about it. and i will. and maybe the anger that i’m feeling right now will be just what i need to push my motivation over the edge. that and the fact that i am loved unconditionally by the most wonderful man in the world, a man who always thinks i’m gorgeous and sexy, a man who makes me a better person, a man who i know i want to spend the rest of my life with.i’m always going to struggle with my weight. it’s going to be hard. but i can do it. i will do it. i won’t be an “it” again.