hilarious complaint letter

this is one of the funniest complaint letters i have ever read. it was forwarded to joe from one of his friends. it’s everything i’ve always wanted to say to numerous companies. i think the part about the cat deposits is my favorite. please tell me you all find this as hilarious as i did!

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties – or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website….HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes – an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools – such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived… six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server’s downtime is roughly 35%… hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman…and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one
of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
don’t care, it’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That’s why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn’t
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom – w**kers though they are – shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver – any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit – they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day – may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

cool aj

this is what aj looks like when he goes to hang out with his homies.

and no, i don’t have too much time on my hands…i’m just having fun with photoshop. 🙂

studious aj

last night when joe came upstairs after watching the braves game i asked what the cats were doing. “julius is reading a magazine, and aj is balancing his checkbook. he looks so cute with his glasses on,” he replied.

so now i have the image of aj in glasses stuck in my head. i think he’d look absolutely adorable. what do you think?

so much closer to reality

joe and i have started looking at engagement rings!!!! *insert squeals here* he said he’ll be buying in about two months. woo hoo! we’re hoping right now to get married next labor day. i’m already starting to plan so that when he proposes we’ll already have things ready to go. i’m so excited. heh.

a response to a blog attack

i’ve known for several months that joe’s former coworkers at the daily tribune read my blog. and i know that a few of them tease joe about it. it’s all in good fun, joe said. and i know most of them, so i wasn’t bothered too much.

until now.

i just discovered last night that in july, the newspaper’s managing editor, matt difebo, wrote this column making fun of blogs. one of joe’s former coworkers, who also blogs, said he was quoted in it, so i figured it was all in good fun and sat down, prepared to laugh.

i didn’t laugh.

as i read, i was horrified to find an excerpt from my blog.

“‘on friday we went shopping for things we needed for our trip. on saturday, we got up early and headed to XYZ’s parents’ cabin in XYZ, georgia. it’s so pretty and peaceful up there. we sat out on the glider rocker on the porch with our books and got through about two pages before passing out for several hours.’

“Riveting. Thrilling. Captivating.

“Actually, it was self-promoting, boring drivel.”

self-promoting, boring drivel, eh? blogs are self-promoting in a way because they are personal blogs, but really, matt, if you find my blog boring, don’t read it. it’s simple. no one is forcing you to hear about what goes on in my life. i don’t write for you anyway. i write for me. and for joe. and so our children someday can have something about our life together to read.

but let me continue.

“At least you would think these people would at least spice it up a bit. Instead, they put minute details of their lives on display for the world to see. It amounts to nothing but a bunch of attention seekers. What’s wrong? Didn’t mommy hug you when you were younger?”

no, matt, i’m not an attention seeker. if you knew me at all, which you don’t, at all, you would know that i’m anything but an attention seeker. i’m shy. very shy. i don’t like to stand out. and if i’m out of the spotlight, or attention, i’m more than happy. and yes, my mommy did hug me when i was younger. my daddy did too. and they still hug me now. they tell me they love me and that they’re proud of me. but i really don’t see what that has to do with the fact that i enjoy blogging. i enjoy sharing things that i find funny and sad. i enjoy sharing the happy moments i spend with joe. and i have a group of people that enjoys reading it.

moving on…

“You see, many people who have watched reality TV shows seem to believe that they, too, can be a reality star. In their quest for stardom, they let us know what they ate for dinner, when they went to the bathroom, who they like, what their favorite color is, etc.”

you know, matt, i don’t believe i can be a reality tv star. i don’t want to be a reality tv star. i don’t want to be trying to survive in a harsh environment with cameramen watching me all the time. i don’t want to be cooped up in a house for several months with all of america able to see every little thing i do. that’s not really appealing to me.

and, i have never blogged about what i ate for dinner, when i went to the bathroom or what my favorite color is. i’ve obviously blogged about who i like because i am deeply in love with joe and he is an integral part of my life.

but, just for you, here we go: last night i ate a black bean burger and fries at chilis for dinner, i went to the bathroom about 10 minutes ago and my favorite colors are pink and purple.

hope you’re satisfied!

so i hope my fellow bloggers are as offended as i was by this column. it was uncalled for and untrue. and as i said before, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. we’re not writing for you.

so frickin hilarious

this is great. i don’t watch the daily show much because i’m always passed out by 11 p.m. (damn ra), so i’ve been browsing through the archives today. this one was in dayton, tenn., very close to where i used to live. it’s great. watch it. tell me what you think.

the daily show — evolution tour: scopes trial