We have had a lot of friends lately who have either given birth or have announced their pregnancies. And, deep down, I really want to be happy for them. I really do. But, I find myself getting jealous, especially of those who are having their second or third children.

I don’t know if having another child is in the cards for us. Some days, I really want to go through the whole process again. Other days, Lucy drives me so crazy that I cannot imagine having another one. I feel like I bounce back and forth with wanting another child, and I feel like that makes me a bad person or mother. Sometimes I think that maybe our next child will be a Momma’s girl and will be easier on me than Lucy is. But then, I realize that not only could we end up with another Daddy’s girl who wants nothing to do with her Mom but also one that doesn’t sleep as well from the beginning like Lucy did.

And, while it would be nice to have another occasion for which to get my husband an alec bradley cigar, it also is nice to be able to provide for Lucy without feeling stretched. Do I sound like an awful person? Ugh. At least I know it’s not really in my hands. There is a plan for my life, and if it’s to have more than one child, I will. If it’s for Lucy to be an only child, then one day I’ll be at peace with it. I just have to keep telling myself that.